Memento Mori
by Ankantoiel
Summary: Love can be found in places where it may never be expected. But choices have to be made to save Ferelden that clearly forbid such a love. Pairing: Alistair/fem.Mage.
1. Epilogue

**Prologue**

It felt like thousands of nails that were cast through my heart. He betrayed me! My best friend, my _only_ friend I had in the Circle during all these long, lonely years, lied to me and betrayed me. _Why did he learn blood magic? Did he have so less faith in his abilities? Did he think it would stay undetected?_

But after all, Jowan could easily delude me. I called him my friend, but he wove a net of lies, and I failed to see them. Memories rose now, memories of happy times when we laughed together, times when we could nearly be separated when we were much younger. And I tried now to suppress these memories that betrayed me to believe Jowan. They were opening the wound he had left more and more. Tears arose in my eyes, tears of disappointment but also of wrath – wrath on myself that I made it possible that his phylactery could be destroyed and he could escape in the end. Rage that I couldn't see his plan after all. I was blinded by our friendship – something that never would happen again, I swore.

My eyes wandered to Lily beside me and I saw that the same questions were written in her eyes. She nearly fell down to the floor. There was no strength left in her to fight the disappointment, the lost faith in her love. She was broken. It wouldn't make a difference what the Chantry would do to her. Lily lost all she possessed in a short instant. But what will I lose? Will they tranquil me for what I have done, for what I made possible?

Irving's eyes looked down on me. He seemed to think about what next had to be done. In all his movements and gestures I could see the disappointment – the same disappointment I felt deep down inside myself as well. But it was Greagoir who spoke first:

"So this is how you repay us. We should have made you Tranquil from the beginning. This seems now a too small price for what you have done!"

I didn't answer. There was nothing I could say that would make this better. I felt ashamed. It seemed like irony that I gave the Chantry more reason to distrust the Circle, the magi and all apprentices within. Consequences will arose from my fault – I was sure about this. I closed my eyes. I didn't want Irving and Greagoir to read my feelings, to read in my shocked, wide eyes that I agreed with their decision, that I felt dangerous myself. And there was now a deep wish inside myself to feel no more. No pain, no disappointment, no wrath. I simply wanted to feel nothing at all, to be free from what emotions can do to a person.

But then there came the Grey Warden. Duncan was his name and he dragged me out of this situation, out of my life as I knew it. He spoke the Right of Conscription. Neither Irving nor Knight-Commander Greagoir could do anything about it, they gritted their teeth and let me pass. And so I followed the stoic, silent man leaving the Tower for the first time in my life with the every time watchful templars and priests behind, sure never to return to the place I called home for my whole life. But I didn't realize at this moment that to be a Tranquil would be so much easier...


	2. Chapter 1

_Better late than never comes Chapter 1. I am sorry for the delay - I am quite busy right now thanks to work and studies, but I will see that the next chapters will come sooner in the future. Please let me know if something is not clear from reading - I am not a native speaker and therefore some expressions may not be correct or sound weird. ;-)_

_Abydos Jackson: The name is from a song of the band "Camelot". I really like the dark and sincere atmosphere of it and found it fitting for DAO as well._

* * *

**Chapter 1**

My eyes flew open in an instant of ultimate horror. My body was trembling. Sweat ran down my face and it felt so cold upon my skin that I nearly shivered. Very slowly I realized that it was over, that I would never be the same person as I was before the Joining. The images of an Archdemon and a horde of monstrous Darkspawn slowly left my mind – left despair behind that wanted to drown me like a wide ocean full of tears.

"Are you alright?" Alistair's soft voice brought me back from the dark realm I dwelled in after I drank the Darkspawn blood. He helped me up. I still felt weak, the taint running through my veins and remembering me constantly of the darkness that lied all around me. I had difficulties remembering what exactly happened, but the corpses of Daveth and Ser Jory brought the memories back in a blink – the two men, so different in every aspect, but both sharing the same destiny. _But maybe the easier, less painful destiny than the one I would have to face now?_

"Was it really necessary to... to do this?" I pointed to the dead men that were lying in their own blood on the cold stone floor of the old temple in the heart of Ostagar. I felt pity for their families they left behind and they loved so deeply.

Alistair's voice was sad as he spoke. "Only one didn't make it during my Joining." He became very silent. His green eyes became clouded with sorrow.

"It was necessary. They are not allowed to tell others of the ritual. It would be too dangerous." It was Duncan's deep, confident voice. He was right – I couldn't imagine what might happen if people knew of this ritual. And solemnly he added: "Welcome, sister."

*

We ran through the cold night. Rain whipped against my shaking body. Fear aroused in my heart and I wasn't nearly able to focus on my spells as Alistair and I fought our way up to the top of the tower. It wasn't as Duncan and the king, Cailan, had expected it. The tower was taken by hordes of Darkspawn, and it was now our task to gain control back and to kindle the signal beacon – hopefully not too late.

The bruises all over my body that I got while we were searching for the Grey Wardens' treaties were hurting, and I could feel every muscle – even those of which I didn't know until now that they existed. Cold ran through my veins and desperation nearly overwhelmed me. _Maker's breath, how should we be able to reach the top?_ But Alistair fought his way confidently forward and I followed him, having no other choice. Memories of my first meeting with Darkspawn came back to my mind...

Being in the Korcari Wilds was the most miserable time I had in my whole life until now. I was the reason for several unwanted stops, as I couldn't go further or even stand, as I stumbled over tree roots completely exhausted, the whole body sour from these unknown efforts. My spells faded into thin air. I was unable to concentrate on the magic as fear was running through my body, and we nearly died because of my faults. I was a young mage trained to face mental challenges, but not a ranger of the wild.

But worse of all... I wasn't prepared to face such creatures. Nothing in the Tower had me prepared for _this_. The sweet-sour smell of the tainted creatures, the smacking sound as the blades of my companions drove through the grotesque bodies, the dark blood leaving stains all over my robes overwhelmed me. I vomited the little I was able to gulp down before we had left camp until nothing was left but emptiness in my stomach and burning pain.

Alistair's words were gentle and comforting as he tried to help me like a mother would do to his own child. He knew that I was no warrior, or that I had any kind of battle experience, and he didn't complain. Ser Jory and Daveth, on the other side, were deeply afraid, and I saw their nervous blinks, felt that they believed it was a fault to bring me, a mage and an Elven woman, all along. But after all I was the only one that made it through the Joining. I would call this irony of fate if it wouldn't be so sad...

The memories weren't pleasant and wouldn't help me and so I oppressed them like the constantly rising fear. Alistair was now weary. He heavily breathed as we reached another stairway of which we passed at least four by now. A deep wound was cast into his left. His armor was blood spilt and pearls of sweat ran down his face. The bandages we brought with us were nearly gone as were the poultices. I checked twice, but it wouldn't be enough to stop the bleeding.

"I must try to heal it with magic, but... well, I never was really interested in healing spells, you see?" He sat down on one of the lower steps aching from the effort we went through to come that high. I could see that he was in great pain even if he tried not to show me. "The poultice will help against the pain, at least. But let me see the wound now."

He didn't object as I sat down beside him and removed the fabric of his tunic very carefully. I checked the wound. It was deep and bled heavily. I took the last bandages and fixed them over it after I equally deployed the poultice as well as I could. My blood-covered hand was lying cautiously on the bandages. I closed my eyes and focused all the magic I could gather into my hand. It felt so different to all other spells I have learned – not aggressive and powerful, but soft and refreshing like cool water from a spring, a deep and endless stream of life I could reach into – and I could now feel every single of Alistair's muscles as they slightly shifted under my hand. I could feel the blood as it constantly trickled through the linen of the bandages.

The words of the spell left my moth with a whisper, and very softly I wove the magic around the bleeding wound like a spider's net. The wound closed so very slowly that I wasn't nearly able to detect it, but it closed and after half a minute it was gone without a scare or any other trace – like it had never been there. I had let the magic go, let it run out of Alistair's body and out of my mind leaving a strange emptiness behind.

My hand trembled as I carefully removed the bandages. Healing was more tiring than I thought as I had taken part of my own strength to close the deep wound. It seemed that my energy was sucked out by this single spell, and the air felt empty and cold around me. Alistair gave me a flask with water, and I thankfully took a deep gulp. The cool, refreshing liquid run down my throat and with it a new strength reformed within me – a strength I tightly embraced in hope that it remained until this all was over.

"It wasn't too bad. I think I look like new. Thank you, Ishta." A crooked smile was on his face, but then he pulled himself up and offered me his hand to stand up myself. "Time is running short. We need to go faster. Let's hope we are not too late."

I nodded. I knew he was right. There was no time to rest. Our rest would come after the battle.

*

The last nearly broken steps passed under my feet as we reached the top of the tower, running and exhausted. We hoped to find it deserted but instead a giant creature was waiting for us holding a huge mace in one hand and eating the remnants of a king's soldier, that he had crushed, in the other, occupying the waste nearly round room.

"An ogre!" I heard Alistair scream as he instantly launched forward upon the monster. I understood that he didn't want to let the creature get an advantage, and so I followed on his heels.

The fight was rough and dirty. Alistair was pushed back against the walls by the giant mace several times and fell now down to the floor not able to stand up again. I saw how he crawled on all four forward to reach his sword that was thickly crusted with the black blood of Darkspawn and lying some five meters beside him, out of his reach. But he collapsed trying, no strength left. And I was terrified. Was he dead? My heart froze. _By the maker, what should I do?_

But I did the only thing I could do in this situation and I didn't think twice if it would be a good idea or not. With a cry I charged on the creature that had turned his back on me right now. It wouldn't reach my fellow-Grey Warden, not if I could prevent it. It seemed that I was able to find some courage after all, and my casts were more powerful than ever despite the fact that I was deadly tired and terrified. The fireball erupted from my hand and lit the nearly dark tower top with a flash of red and golden flames burning the tainted flesh of the ogre and pushing him back some feet.

The creature again spun around to face me, screaming in pain and running toward me, but before it could reach me, a blade was cast through its heart. It struggled for its life, but finally fell with a horrible, last scream that seemed to echo on forever – and then Alistair stood above it, his sword still stuck into the ogre's flesh, and a very tired smile on his lips.

I turned around to the prepared dry wood and lit the beacon with a torch that I took out of its wall holding. The flames immediately blazed up from the dry wood and warmed the air around it.

_We did it! Finally!_ I turned to Alistair who had freed his sword and smiled happily, but the moment of joy was not long as dozens of Darkspawn reached us on top of the tower with no escape left and not prepared to stand against such a horde.


	3. Chapter 2

_Yoly_ and _cluaran_: Thanks for the kind reviews. I hope you will like the next chapter, too. I am sorry that it is coming so late. There were so many things to do and they kept me from giving my stories more attention. I hope I can write down the next pages faster. :D

* * *

**Chapter 2**

The now small flames of the campfire could only penetrate the shadows in a small radius, and were painting an always-changing pattern onto the uneven ground. I only could guess the tents of Leliana, Alistair and Morrigan that stood nearby as I was seated a bit outside the warming glow, awaiting whatever attack may come, or hopefully not come.

I shivered slightly and tried to wrap me better into my dark blue woolen cloak, my mage staff leaning beside me on the flat stone where I was seated. Autumn was around the corner and the last fine summer days where gone, and so every night out here in the wilderness of Ferelden became colder and colder. That was reason to give me headaches. I was not educated in surviving in the wild and I was troubled not to know how we could possibly live through this winter. The mage tower with all its downsides was after all a cozy place even in the coldest winter where every animal was looking for shelter and a chance to survive the nights. My only hope now was to reach Redcliffe before winter finally arrived – there we maybe could restock our supplies and find at least a place to stay. Alistair might still have relatives there.

And still there very this terrible nightmares that troubled me every night leaving a deep despair inside my heart that usually stayed even long during the following day. I hardly could sleep thanks to this Grey Warden-feature and I felt that I became paranoid. Behind every tree and corner I imagined monsters that were waiting to attack – but as far as I could _feel_ right now with the taint circulating in my blood, there was no Darkspawn around. That either meant that we already had left the influence area of the Darkspawn that nearly had reached Lothering when we were heading west following the road that leaded to Redcliffe castle, or that I still couldn't always feel their presence as Alistair could.

It was usually him who was warning us of ambushes, taking the role of the leader when facing battle despite the fact that he didn't make any intentions that he wishes to make the hard decisions in the last couple of weeks.

While thinking of my companion another deep wrinkle manifested itself between my brows. Alistair was not talkative since Flemeth rescued us and since we knew that we were the last of the order left in Ferelden. He couldn't hide his feelings well. My fellow-Grey Warden was a friendly and honest character, and I could read him like an open book. He suffered a great loss. His green eyes were clouded with doubt and pain all the time, and I didn't blame him. The Grey Wardens were his friends for much longer than mine. I nearly knew them by name. It seemed that the shadows of these great men and women were hanging over Alistair all the time like storm clouds, making his heart heavy and I sincerely wished I could help him – but at the moment the only thing that I could do to help him, was to allow him his uneven, nightmare-plagued sleep ignoring the fact that it should be his turn to watch over our small camp right now.

Deep in my thoughts I didn't realize that someone was near me – it would have been easy to stab me from the back right now. Only as the person spoke softly to me, I realized that it was my new travel companion Leliana.

"I am sorry. I didn't want to startle you." The soft voice of the Orlisian cloister sister with its strange accent was somehow very comforting and my tense body began to relax again and I let the power I had called upon an instant ago go. The twinkling that accompanied the magic left my body.

"You were lucky that I didn't cast a spell upon you." She didn't need to know that she took me by surprise, and I made a silent note to be more carefully – I was no longer in the golden cache of the Magi's tower, constantly watched by Templars or fellow mages. Instead I was leading some strange fellows on an impossible quest to save a land that has always been hostile to my kindred and me.

"I haven't thanked you for allowing me to come along." I could barely see her slender body in the small glow of the fire as she seated herself beside me on the flat stone gazing into the darkness that lay in front of us.

"You're welcome. I am happy about every help I can get right now. Don't get me wrong, I believe you are more resourceful than the eye may meet on the first sight."

Well, that was an understatement – the cloister sister had proofed that she had certain skills that we could really use. Her fighting skills were much better than mine, and she could easily handle bows.

"In that case, I am happy to help." Her warm voice was filled with joy and a spark of laughter, nearly as if my statement amused her.

"There is but one thing I want in return."

"What might this be?" Some cautiousness was buried in this statement, very vague and just a hint.

"I want that you are honest with me. I cannot trust you with our all lives when I don't know what you are up to, what you are thinking."

I turned to watch her into her eyes. She instantly became very quiet and very closed up... and so I guessed right. There was something she didn't want to tell me. I was positive it had to do with her skills. No cloister sister I knew during my long years in the Tower had ever been trained in fighting, pock picketing or any other lower skills like these.

"You must not talk about it right away, but you should know that I will not judge you for things you did in the past." Prejudice was a horrible thing. I knew too good what can arose from it. I fell silent again and waited what reaction may come from Leliana.

"I would be glad if we could become friends, Ishta. And friends have no secrets, ... but some secrets are dangerous." A new seriousness reached her melodious voice as she addressed me.

"It may also be dangerous not to know." Leliana nodded in silent agreement, the flames of the fire were playing on her features, enflaming her hair. I wanted the quite cloister sister to be my friend. It was easy to talk to her and it usually lifted my heart something I hadn't known since Jowan. "Just let me know if you feel that there is anything to talk."

"I will remember. Thank you. "

Leliana joined me on my watch and with her soft voice she told me stories of far lands, their kings and queens that were dead for hundreds of years, and let me forget what was lying before me. And nevertheless, I realized that I would never be one of these great, stoic heroes carved in stone.

My heart was weary as was my body from the long journey. There were so little things I could rely on right now, so many things that could happen. There were friends I may loose in this battle – Leliana, the cloister sister, I considered nearly immediately as a friend, Morrigan may be a witch and sometimes hard hearted, but she fought at my sight and we looked at our backs even if I wasn't sure about her motives, and Alistair...

Alistair was funny, sometimes in an absurd way of manner and in situations where it seemed inappropriate. But this was his way to deal with pain and fear and doubts. The ex-Templar was gentle and strong at once, and even if he didn't realize it he would have become a better leader I could ever possibly be. People would follow him because they love him for his kindness and not only because they have to follow him – maybe not Morrigan, they despised each other, but everyone else, including myself.

I looked at him when a decision has to be made. It was important to me to know that he agreed with my ideas and opinions. Maybe it was wrong, but only a hint of disapproval from his site would make me turn around from my decision. I still had no clues how things were done here outside the Magi's tower and especially by Grey Wardens, and Alistair was the closest thing to an advisor I had.


End file.
